I get up early. My biological clock does not recognize holidays, when you can no longer be polenić in bed. As always, I look to the rooms of children and I cover duvet feet protruding. Bigger. Zuzi rate measures a 26 cm. And that’s just 17 years old. Well, children grow up faster and faster.
In a moment when my eyes stopped on the spread on the desk notebook with orderly rows of fine writing, I found out that even faster than I thought. Probably notebook to Polish, I thought. What urgent child. She did not finish yesterday to watch the movie on TV and went to her room to prepare for tutoring in English. So Dad said.
When I read: “Olek came back pissed off …” I thought it rather does not seem to work out with the Polish. The next sentence, I felt the cold chills run my spine – “… we went to the kitchen to najarać …”, “I stopped the movie …”. Does anyone in this room lit an enormous bonfire ?? Hot as hell in here! “Pati moveth in the red room of pain …”. I feel my heart pounding so loudly that it wakes up everyone in the house. “Sandra went with Tom to his house. Fuck knows why … “. No! It is impossible! This is not my child! Give me back my child! My little daughter polite!
After jumping head thousands of thoughts like a herd of angry monkeys, enclosed in a cramped cage – it is not true, then the other happen “such” problems, not us. It is not true that she uses “such” word, lied to us. We gave it 200% confidence. We let her go for a private party New Year’s Eve. How could she!
I felt angry, furious. I did not know what to do with it. Tell her husband? No. We know what he’d say. Hmm, said: WYWRZESZCZAŁBY. It’s my fault! The lack of consistency, control, too much freedom, too little requirements, yet he earns, and I bring up my children, and how it is seen … etc., etc.. It would be even harder. Even harder. I need to find a solution by itself. You can count, count on yourself.
So I sat there all day like a bomb, still shouting at Zuzia, which endured without a word of mine explosions. I wanted to rip her to shreds. The kid! How could she !! I was suffocating in itself all these emotions – anger, disappointment, frustration. On my chest he parked in a snow plow. Heavy breathing. It’s hard to think. What a mischievous perversity of fate. In an instant idyllic Saturday morning turned into a source of anguish. Too little interested in its affairs. Too little talk to her. I can not do that. I try, but I do it clumsily. I am aware of that. Well, what about that with me too, no one spoke. That’s no excuse. Well, this is no time for blaming. When the boat is sinking, not looking for guilty but escape. You have to work. Just as? Where to start?
I’ve never kept a diary or something like that. Why did it this time? Several sites and a small print, written in one go without stopping. As if urgently needed relief by the ejection of myself something with which she could not cope. She wrote. Because it was a powerful experience. Because I do not have with whom to talk about it.
Let’s settle it among themselves. Only two of us. Without witnesses.
– I need to talk to you. Get dressed. We go out – I said.
– And where? – She asked.
– You’ll see. Okay.
We boarded the car without a word. I was no longer so angry. Susan was silent. I guessed that it does not expect anything good. We’ve realized in the same corner of the cafe, behind the screen, where we were not visible to anyone. Zaczekałyśmy still in silence for a long moment before you brought tea and croissants with fillings rose.
I took a deep breath and calm voice said:
– I invited you here because I’m worried about you. I should not, but I read what you wrote in your notebook that you left inadvertently open on the desk. I thought that this notebook to Polish, but after the first sentence already so I was not thinking. I read another sentence and another until I read everything.
– I wrote it because I wanted to give it to you – said Susan.
Mmmm! I felt a painful twinge in my heart. I did not believe. Why did I do it?
– I feel cheated, lied, disappointed, disappointed – I went on – We gave you confidence. We agreed to let you spend New Year’s Eve at Camille. Meanwhile, it turns out that you were on three different events. Jeździłaś after night taxis. Is a moment you thought how I would feel if I know where you are and what you do?
– Okay, what I punished? – She asked.
– Is not what we came here to punish you. I would like to know how did you feel there. Did you feel good, safe, free? Do everything was there for you, okay?
After the child’s face Zuzi the tears came. No such words had expected.
– I do not want it this way! No longer keep in contact with them – she said.
UFF! What a relief! Yes! Yes! Yes! Thank you Lord! You are great! Now it will be easier.
– If you feel bad, then why not just married? – I asked.
– Because I did not want to leave her friends.
– You know Zuzia in your life you will have to deal with different situations. Sometimes you may feel that something is not right, but do not really know what will. Then best to apologize and leave. When you give yourself some time the answer will come alone, and you will find out what was wrong. Or about someone to talk to. You were there in spite of himself, not to leave her friends. This is not your friend come out of you, even though they see that you do not feel well there. Such situations are for you a source of knowledge. What do you expect, what to expect, what to expect? How important are these people? Whether you are for them so important that they would be ready for you to leave the fun New Year’s Eve? Do not count on it, that someone will take care of your own comfort. That you yourself have to ensure this. No one else. And you can always come and talk.
Oh! How it hurt! How many times we throw the word and do not realize how they are perceived? Even I thought I did not pass, so that it will understand. Be careful of what we say! Words hurt. How alive before my eyes stood the images from the film “memory of water”, in which Japanese scientists have studied how changing the structure of water molecules. Observed under a microscope ice crystals formed in the presence of the sounds of Mozart’s music took on a beautiful, regular shapes. Those who formed the psychedelic music took shapeless form. Words such as “I hate you ’cause that rice dipped in water covered the mold, and the one to whom it was said” I love you “kept fresh and not spoiled. It is scary to think what destruction make such negative messages if they are directed to another man. In the end, we make as much as 70% water. After all, anyone we would not hurt our child, but we do it ourselves! In addition, quite without realizing it.
Now what do you say smart-ass? Kakało speechless! Did you think that you are already wise, because you read so many books, because you raised has one child. And here blow from a fist between the eyes.
– I know córciu, that argument is not nice to hear, but quarrels are also needed, because they lead to constructive solutions, compromises. Besides, when people argue it means that they are not indifferent to, that they wore care. And I know you could not come to me with their problems. I can not talk. I am aware of that. And I am therefore very sorry. You do not know how much. My parents did not speak with me. I did not have from whom to learn, but I’m trying. As best I can. I know poor me out, but maybe you could give your mom a chance and time to come, although with something tiny, very tiny, hm? Consent?
I held out my hand to her, and she buried her weeping with me.
The tears rolled down the cheeks of my little Corcia. But that’s not the tears that hurt motherly heart. These were tears of understanding. Tears, which dissolved the weight that this young creature was carrying on his shoulders.
– I guess now we can finally drink tea.
Only now odpuściło tension and uncertainty. It’s that tea has gone cold.
The atmosphere is somewhat relaxed. I asked whether she read the book she got for Christmas. Do you know what it is. She said yes.
“The Kingdom of girls’ Iwona Chmielewska is an extraordinary book about adolescence, femininity, gentleness, subtlety, intimacy, mystery. I wondered how this book has to be the reality in which Susan is found that evening to greet the next year of your life.
– You may wonder what will be the “first time”, with whom, where.
– No, no wonder! I do not want to have a boyfriend. I prefer to have a lot of friends.
– There is nothing wrong with that. Probably you are not yet ready for it. You need to know that sex in human life is very important. And for the first time it is particularly important because it affects the whole life. The Chinese say that if the first intercourse comes from the head, because, for example, just no one is at home, or other friends already, and I have not, never, no matter how forgiving, sensitive and caring partner would you not feel such pleasure from sex, which could, if for the first time came from the heart, as if it was real, deep feeling. Sex is not just intercourse. Gestures, talks, looks, feel, cooking together, watching a film.
– You can eat just any dinner on the unwashed plate, on the stained tablecloth, in some seedy bar where he works snotty waitress niedoczyszczonymi nails and peeling the paint, but you can also go to a good restaurant and enjoy a delicious dinner at a table with a white cloth, with candles and nice music. It’s a matter of choice. “The work creates value,” that is, the more planning efforts, treatments, thinking you put into the job, the effect will be felt more strongly, and if you do anything casually, not applying to this effect, you can not even notice. Man differs from animals that have free will. You can choose how he wants to live – as long as whether to have the quality. – In your life you are often in a difficult or incomprehensible for himself the situation. On his way he will meet the same good and noble people. All these situations and people is no coincidence. It is all so you could become who they have become. You know how to deal anytime and anywhere. Write if you feel that it will bring you relief. Very well, that did it. They wrote about everything that happened to you. Although I admit that it was very hard to read. If you need to use strong words, use. They also serve to release emotions.
No longer crying. She listened. I saw that the words fall into it deeply. That they will remember. If so my mother could talk frankly with me when I needed when I was pregnant and I was afraid, or when I started to mature, or if I did not know what to do in life, what school you choose. What would be the man now? What kind of person would now be my son, and if she could talk to him when he needed it? Perhaps more sensitive, perhaps more open, understanding, wise? Now it is no longer valid. That no one and nothing will repair.
Now the important thing is that it took the first in your life a real conversation with my child. The conversation, which brought us closer to each other, showed that the disclosure of their dark sides, fears, doubts does not cause rejection, on the contrary – leads to greater understanding and greater acceptance of each other.
The lesson included. We go to the next level.